Want a happy life? Prioritize ‘Relationship Density’

Growing up you get little practical advice on how to think about shaping your life.

Sure, you might get ‘follow your dreams’ or a job fit survey. But the standard approach is go to school and get a good job.

A quick look around suggests this approach isn’t exactly crushing it.

If — like me — you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by this question of “what should I do with my life?” here’s a practical approach that you probably haven’t heard before.

Prioritize relationship density.

Here’s a quick story to explain this.

After graduating high school in my small town of about 4,000 people, I took a gap year to travel the world. I ended up living in Lisbon, Portugal for 3 months. At that time, Lisbon was Europe’s most sought after tourist destination.

Now I didn’t know anyone in Portugal and I wasn’t doing a study abroad trip. So after the first few weeks of solo sightseeing adventures, I’d often wake up on a Saturday morning and realize I had absolutely nothing to do.

And then I’d think back to my hometown in middle-of-nowhere Western PA where, on any given Saturday, there’d be a dozen different things I’d love to do.

I realized it’s not the place — it’s the people. (This will sound cliche as sh*t until you move to a sexy new city where you don’t know anyone). If you live in the most desirable place in the world but don’t have a rich network of relationships, you won’t have a quality life.

Disclaimer — This doesn’t mean it’s impossible to have a good life in a new place or that you shouldn’t follow your dreams if they take you away. It’s certainly possible to build up your relationships in a new community.

BUT in my observation, very few people make relationship density their #1 priority in life planning. My view is you should.

The main reason for this (outside of personal experience) is there’s as close as you can get to a scientific consensus on relationships being #1 when it comes to happiness.

The longest running study of adult life, Harvard’s Grant Study, found that pretty much the only thing that matters for how happy you are (and how long you live) is the quality of your relationships. (Search Robert Waldinger TED talk).

When faced with life’s infinite possibilities you’re going to need a set of constraints to narrow your options. Start by limiting your life paths to those that keep you close to people you love. Prioritize relationship density in determining the course of your life.

I hope this is a practical approach you can use to think about life’s big questions.

If you want practical insights and life lessons on optimizing for happiness join me at www.studyhappiness.blog

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